Some posts are hard to get out....

**Warning, some of this may include moments of TMI, and may offend some..but I really don't mean, too***

Whenever SBS is brought back to my attention, I have moments (sometimes days) of reflection. Driving home from work yesterday, I broke down. Actually sobbed... not sure when the last time I did that... maybe a few months ago? Anyway, what was going through my mind, is what is going on right this minute with Noah W's parents. I remember those moments. I remember the endless praying, and hopelessness. Having SO many people for support, but still feeling completely alone. Then, what made me cry the hardest was the question I posed to myself..... What did I do to deserve the miraculous outcome of my Noah's shaking? Other parents, more faithful than I, married in the eyes of the Lord, who live by His law, have children that have SEVERE disabilities resulting from their shaking. IF they lived at all....
I had Noah, out of wedlock, considered having an abortion (this was very short lived, but still I considered it), and I failed to protect my sweet baby from something so preventable! I had no hand in his injuries, but I was entrusted to care for and protect this baby, and I failed! Then, I couldn't even admit to my "failure", because CPS would take it the wrong way. My meaning was, that as a mom, you never want your children to feel pain, heartache, or fear. And you would trade places with them without a second thought. THEIR (CPS) meaning was... So, you knew this could happen, and you left him to go to work anyway?
My only answer to my question was... Noah was special enough, HE thought Noah was special enough to heal him, and didn't punish him for having an imperfect mom... Sometimes (ok, daily) Noah is a challenge... some days are WAY better than others, but I can't tell you how THANKFUL I am that schooling is our biggest challenge. Thankful to my Heavenly Father... How many unacknowledged blessings I have received... the number is enumerable... I am thankful for my home, my car that is still running great, my kids (no matter what they do), my job, and my family and friends (I miss my friends)... time slips by too fast, and I feel like I am always trying to reach out to reconnect to people, only to have nothing come of it.
Sorry, just a lot on my mind lately....